Rewinding my true self
Sep. 14th, 2024 08:14 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
dracooriensMy first nonhuman experiences lead back to the moment I started thinking. I always understood myself to be more than simply human, to be some kind of animal. In year 2009, I firstly joined the otherkin community which I found when I was looking for answers to my questions.
Am I alone?
Am I mentally ill?
Why do I feel like I was an animal?
So many questions and yet it didn't take me long to find to the community. Reading other non-human's experiences was taking any weight from heart and shoulders in this very moment. Back then tho, I was very much knowing who I am. I was the wolf with a love for native american styles, the cold and ... ye the typical stuff. Back to the days when I joined a couple of forums and Skype groups, I got faced with the so-called "grilling" which basically means to question your identity, so that you're forced to give answers which had to prove your identity. It was gatekeeping, nothing more and nothing less. In this community I got messaged for having names like "Falling Leaves" or "White Mountain" because they were too much sounding like Native American names and it'd be rude and totally disgusting from me to use anything Native American. I'm not allowed to use such names, aesthetics or even wear a choker.
At the same time, I joined the furry fandom. I'm a fan of the mixed depiction of human and animal because it shows my current life so very well. I joined as a wolf, ofc. And there have been furry meetups, local and easy to reach even for me in my age back then. I was so happy... until this one day. We were sitting at the campfire (I was around 12 or 13 years of age) and were talking about our sonas. I even brought a selfmade sketch of my sona and explained that this is also my kintype. I didn't understand that I should've remain silent about this part of me. Some people were shook, some were totally chill about it but all in one, the majority tho was agreeing with the person telling me that I didn't look like a wolf. I wouldn't be a wolf at all.
Both communities combined made me question extremely hard. I was so confused and unsure of what was happening. Maybe I misinterpreted my limbs and feels at this point. Yes, this made sense. So I started my journey and over the past 15 years, I lost myself completely. I was in a crisis which even lead to a burnout, untreated, it put me in very dark situations. This phase of my life feels so unreal since I feel good again. I'm not in a burnout anymore and I feel so refreshed. Which also helps me finding back to myself. I might not be a wolf, just a pet drake (I definitely will set up a post explaining this) but I love the cold and I love Native American stuff and I love nature based names. And whoever comes at me for being rude for liking these can (pardon me) go fuck themselves.
If it wasn't for the constant invalidation and the hate brought towards me (I even got banned on a couple of forums, groups etc because of my insecurities back then... I was behaving wild, ngl), I might've not run through a phase as dark, I might've gotten to myself as I am now without the absolutely deep sitting pain, without the disappointment and without fear. If I wouldn't have joined all these communities at this age, I might have had a happier life. But my will to get an answer kept me going and that still hurts to this day.
However, I'm happy to feel content again. I'm happy to be happy again. And I'm happy to be me. I love the mountains, I love the snow, coniferous forests, dark forest core, nature based names, Native American aesthetics and so on. This is me.
Am I alone?
Am I mentally ill?
Why do I feel like I was an animal?
So many questions and yet it didn't take me long to find to the community. Reading other non-human's experiences was taking any weight from heart and shoulders in this very moment. Back then tho, I was very much knowing who I am. I was the wolf with a love for native american styles, the cold and ... ye the typical stuff. Back to the days when I joined a couple of forums and Skype groups, I got faced with the so-called "grilling" which basically means to question your identity, so that you're forced to give answers which had to prove your identity. It was gatekeeping, nothing more and nothing less. In this community I got messaged for having names like "Falling Leaves" or "White Mountain" because they were too much sounding like Native American names and it'd be rude and totally disgusting from me to use anything Native American. I'm not allowed to use such names, aesthetics or even wear a choker.
At the same time, I joined the furry fandom. I'm a fan of the mixed depiction of human and animal because it shows my current life so very well. I joined as a wolf, ofc. And there have been furry meetups, local and easy to reach even for me in my age back then. I was so happy... until this one day. We were sitting at the campfire (I was around 12 or 13 years of age) and were talking about our sonas. I even brought a selfmade sketch of my sona and explained that this is also my kintype. I didn't understand that I should've remain silent about this part of me. Some people were shook, some were totally chill about it but all in one, the majority tho was agreeing with the person telling me that I didn't look like a wolf. I wouldn't be a wolf at all.
Both communities combined made me question extremely hard. I was so confused and unsure of what was happening. Maybe I misinterpreted my limbs and feels at this point. Yes, this made sense. So I started my journey and over the past 15 years, I lost myself completely. I was in a crisis which even lead to a burnout, untreated, it put me in very dark situations. This phase of my life feels so unreal since I feel good again. I'm not in a burnout anymore and I feel so refreshed. Which also helps me finding back to myself. I might not be a wolf, just a pet drake (I definitely will set up a post explaining this) but I love the cold and I love Native American stuff and I love nature based names. And whoever comes at me for being rude for liking these can (pardon me) go fuck themselves.
If it wasn't for the constant invalidation and the hate brought towards me (I even got banned on a couple of forums, groups etc because of my insecurities back then... I was behaving wild, ngl), I might've not run through a phase as dark, I might've gotten to myself as I am now without the absolutely deep sitting pain, without the disappointment and without fear. If I wouldn't have joined all these communities at this age, I might have had a happier life. But my will to get an answer kept me going and that still hurts to this day.
However, I'm happy to feel content again. I'm happy to be happy again. And I'm happy to be me. I love the mountains, I love the snow, coniferous forests, dark forest core, nature based names, Native American aesthetics and so on. This is me.
